He left without a backward glance.
“What do you expect? That he’ll give you extra attention or he’ll give you a personalized goodbye leave?” Mia asked with arched brows.
“Of course not. I wouldn’t dream of it.” I agreed. “It would have been nice to be told though, ” I sighed.
“Hija, the time that you would have been the one he informs whenever he goes out is way past.”
Sometimes I wish Mia would be a bit sympathetic of my plight.
“The guy is now engaged to another.”
“I know, I know. But I believe that it will be a matter of time that he’ll announce that his engagement with Geena is off.”
“yes, and before that time comes, to everybody’s mind, it is with Geena that he is engaged with. And, come to think of it, he hasn’t made the move to be un-engaged, has he?” Mia looked at me closely.
“he said he wants to make sure the timing is right. He is being considered for the senior manager position.”
“And Geena happens to be the godchild of the dela Rama’s.”
“I don’t think it counts. Not with Raul.”
“You met the man again after, how much, eight years, after you’ve been nearly engaged according to you and then changed your mind about it. And you think that you know him enough.”
“I do.”
“Which makes me wonder. You had him, or nearly had him. Why did you change your mind? Why did you walk away from him?”
“I was too immature and afraid. I did not trust myself enough. And I thought I had the most valid reasons.”
Raul had been a start-up then. He was talented, intelligent and confident. He was however rather aloof with the other girls. This we took as shyness on his part. He was geeky, with thick eyeglasses, unruly hair and unkempt clothes. Although poor, it did not seem to matter to him. Or to the people around him. Unfortunately, at the time, it mattered to me. We both started off at the same time. Although our educational backgrounds were vastly different, I was assigned to document the work he was doing and we were together a lot. That was for nearly a year. Our office mates teased us together. We fended off the teasing until I came to realize that the teasing seemed to make Raul happy. And somehow, it did not bother me.
Then Darren came into the picture. Golden boy Darren, with his easy manners and roguish looks, had been an easy charmer. He was fun to be with, and he had time for me. And, most importantly for me during that time, had enough financial resources for picnics and leisure. He also had enough financial resources to take care of my family’s needs. And at the time too, it was a very pressing need. Darren courted me one week after we first met. I accepted his suit one month after. I heard Raul was punch drunk the day after our office Christmas party when I arrived with Darren and we made our relationship officially known to everyone. Raul had been aloof since then. Friends who asked me why I dumped Raul for Darren were easy enough to explain to. Raul never professed his feelings for me so I couldn’t have dumped him.
When Darren broke up with me because his girlfriend, who it turned out had just broke up with him when he courted me, decided to rekindle their relationship, Raul already had a girlfriend, Yanna. And although it was not comfortable watching him and Yanna together, I told myself I was happy for them both. Not long after, he left the firm. After a while, he and Yanna also parted ways. Then Raul went abroad and we have lost direct contact although from close friends, I had a rough idea as to how he was doing.
After Darren, I had been into a string of near-relationships although nothing prospered. It was a phenomenon common to those of my age-group. Had we been too picky? Or were we too opinionated for our own good? But there we were, the Thursday group: Mia, Alice and Che-che.
Mia and I started with our own business baby, Paper Trail, a virtual assistant venture. When an up-and-coming export company, Estilo Negrense contacted Paper Trail to handle the marketing aspect of their operations, Mia and I jumped at the chance. It was a good start.
It was a pleasant surprise to learn that the managing partner of Estilo Negrense is Raul Alvarado. It was Raul himself!
When I arrived in Bacolod, I decided to surprise Raul. I called up his office and when I learnt he could accept visitors that day, asked for an appointment. I purposely did not give my name to Raul’s secretary. I introduced myself as the representative from Paper Trail and that I was calling on Mr. Alvarado.
When I entered his office, Raul was poring over some papers on his desk. To say that Raul was surprised to see me was an understatement. He came towards me and clasped my hand. The frisson of electric current from the contact surprised me. For a while, we just looked at each other. I took stock of the changes in Raul. He was still wearing glasses, but the frame complemented his face shape. The former unkempt hair, now with some gray strands, has been cut fashionably, and his clothes fit a lean frame that is obviously gym-honed.
Raul invited me to dinner that evening. We dined at the Sound Stage and reminisced over old times. The next day, we met again at the office of Estilo Negrense to discuss the business arrangement. When we reached an agreement, I stayed two more days in Negros. I then went back to Cebu to arrange the contract between our firms.
I went back to Cebu with a light heart. My excitement was not lost on Mia who promptly pried from me the reason for my unexplained gaiety. I told Mia about Raul and how excited I was to be working with him. I did not delve on our previous relationship which was technically non-existent anyway. Although she did not voice out her thoughts, Mia was discerning enough to see that I was looking forward to my working relationship with Raul.
“Is he single?” Mia asked.
“Yes.”
“Girlfriend? You know what they say about guys who stay single at that age.”
“I don’t think so. I haven’t asked really. Why is it important?” I asked feigning innocence.
“You seem too excited for somebody who just met a former office mate.”
“He just changed much. That’s all. I was a bit surprised.”
Mia nodded.
I changed the subject, and Mia let it drop. I could sense her probing looks every time I mention Raul so I was extra careful when mentioning his name.
Raul became a text mate and frequent caller. One Friday night, he dropped unannounced at our office. He was meeting some prospective clients and stayed in Cebu until Sunday.
“That would be great,” I told him. You could have a post-birthday celebration.” I teased.
“That’s right,” he said. “Name your terms.”
“Movie, dinner, flowers and drinks,” I announced.
“in that order?”
“Would you rather it be alphabetical?” I riposted. We both laughed.
“I’ll text you after the meeting.” He promised.
I nodded and watched him go. My heart was soaring. There was something giddy and school girlish in the way my whole being was reacting. It was like having my crush smile at me. Everything felt and looked wonderful.
As he promised, Raul asked me to join him at the Vermillion, a small but cozy bar in Manalili. It was a breathtaking weekend. We watched movies, had dinner, stayed late with our after dinner drinks and spent the entire time touring the city. Raul did not say anything and I did not ask. There was time enough for talks, I decided.
When Raul left for the airport, I touched his forearm, “Take care,” I said. Raul looked at my smiling face reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“I don’t want to leave,” Raul whispered.
“I will be in Bacolod next week,” I whispered back. “Take care.”
Raul reluctantly removed his arms. I pushed him lightly on the chest to prod him to go. I watched Raul disappear in the airport door. I stood for a while, touching my lips. As I was going out of the door, I heard my cellphone ring.
“Wait up,” it was Raul.
I turned towards the door and watched Raul come toward me. I looked at him smiling. “I forgot to give you this,” Raul handed me a gift bag.
I opened the bag and saw a box of chocolate inside.
“This is not included in the contract,” I teased.
“That’s true,” he grinned.
“Does this mean that I’d be the one to treat you for dinner next time?” I offered.
“It’s a date.” He accepted.
“Take care.” He whispered. He then hailed a cab and ushered me in. “I will call you tonight.” Raul tapped the cab. I waved back and only turned forward when the cab rounded the exit gate.
Every night after that, Raul called me from Bacolod. Raul would ask me how my day went. I, in turn, would ask him how his went. We talked about many things. The same way we did before. Talking about everything and nothing.
Later that week, Raul called to inform me that he will be flying for the States and may be gone a month. In the meantime, he left instructions to Ethan, his assistant, on how the brochure will be prepared. There was no need for me to go to Bacolod as much as everything can be done through email and the Internet.
Raul was silent throughout his US trip. My emails were unanswered. To keep myself from moping, I decided to take a breather. I invited Mia to visit Negros. From the airport, we went to the hotel and unpacked. I scanned the local daily for an interesting lunch stop.
"Let's try out Joey’s, a newly opened restaurant along Burgos Street." I read out the ad. Mia nodded and off we went feeling adventurous for lunch. The place was packed, as the case often is with newly opened restaurants which opening is as heavily publicized.
A restaurant staff approached us.
“Table for two”, I said and had our reservation listed. We were number three. A familiar movement caught my attention and I turned towards the door. Cliche as it may sound, my heart skipped a beat when I realized I was looking at Raul! Before I could call out to him, a beautiful young woman in black came towards him and stood beside him. I watched as she placed her hands in Rauls’ and I was disconcerted by the protective way that Raul curled his hand around hers. I felt as if a strong hand was crushing my heart to pulp. I would have wanted to turn around and leave but before I could act, the couple turned to go out and I came face to face with Raul.
“Lila,” for a brief second, I thought Raul looked stricken.
“Hello there.” I waved them off breezily and dragged a surprised Mia towards the door.
Just then, an old couple passed by and greeted Raul and his lady friend. The woman seemed to treat the girl in a solicitous manner. I heard the older woman telling the girl that even though she lost her father she is fortunate to have Raul. I bowed my head, my gaze blurring. The next thing I knew, Mia and I were inside a cab and I was covering my face with my handkerchief, crying.
Why had Raul lied to me? I kept asking myself. Or, Raul may not even have lied. In fact, he never said anything that might make me think I’m special to him. I realized that I may have been the one at fault for thinking that Raul’s attention had been more than friendly. Was Raul only toying with me? Was he on the look out for a fling? Was I to be one of Raul’s long list of conquests? Was Raul even serious? Maybe he had wanted to get back at me for my inconsiderate actions when I went steady with Darren.
That night Raul called me up and asked if we could meet in his office, considering that I was already in Bacolod anyway.
When I arrived in Raul’s office, the younger woman was having coffee with Raul. The younger woman ushered me in and asked the secretary to bring me coffee. Even though she was easy to hate, I couldn't help admiring the easy grace with which she carried herself. It was not hard to surmise that she was born to riches. But despite that, she also seemed intelligent and down-to-earth. Beside Raul's girlfriend (I now call her that), I felt clumsy and uncoordinated. The young woman left soon after, leaving Raul and I alone.
“She’s a very extraordinary woman.” I commented. I wondered if this could not be any more painful. But, hey, I can act like a better woman.
“Yes, she is. Her father, my business partner…more like my financier for Estilo Negrense, succumbed to cancer a month ago in the States. That was why I had to go there. I helped Geena take care of the arrangements. Geena decided to return here in Negros for a while.”
“How long have you been engaged?” I asked, hoping my voice was nonchalant enough.
“We formalized the engagement when I was in the States.” Raul replied.
“I see. “ I lowered my head and pretended interest in stirring my cup. “Err, No. I..mean..” I groped for something to say. “I had wondered why she seemed so sad. Let’s get back to the blurb…” I changed the topic, hoping to sound businesslike.
Raul nodded and pored over the materials with me. I was consciously aware of Raul’s presence. For the millionth time, I wondered why I never felt this awareness with Raul before. Or had I? I sighed.
“Anything wrong?” Raul asked.
I stole a glance at Raul’s face. ‘How could I have imagined that there was something there for me?’ I thought.
I realized I want to back out from the contract.
I called Mia in Cebu to tell her that I cannot continue to work with Estilo Negrense. Before I can tell Mia the news however, Mia told me that with the expected income that we will be getting from the contract with Estilo Negrense, Mia will be able to visit her ailing sister in Manila.
I was not able to tell Mia my plans. I knew how much the trip meant to Mia and I did not want to disappoint her. I could not let my cowardice or my selfishness get in the way of my friend’s happiness. I am professional enough to handle the Raul thing. I rationalized that I may have hinged my plans or wishes (?) of getting married to Raul whom I thought single at the time. I had also conceded that I had not gotten over my fascination to Raul and how I had always depended on him to rescue me.
Despite what my common sense told me, I told Raul that we could discuss it in my room.
I went straight to the table. Raul followed me inside. I was acutely aware of Raul’s presence but could not find any evidence that Raul was feeling the same. My head was throbbing. I set the documents in the lounge table. Raul sat beside me. I was partly cross that Raul could remain unaffected and more cross with myself for thinking that things would be different for them this time. I massaged my temples while I listened to Raul. Raul stopped his talk and looked at me.
“Try to rest a while.” He told me. “I can use your laptop to make the changes.”
“It’s OK. Oh, would you want some coffee? “ I started to rise. Raul caught my wrist. “Don’t bother.”
I jerked her arm away. My immediate movement sent a stab of pain to my head and I swayed a little. Raul immediately stood up and caught my fall.
“Sorry…I guess it’s just the sudden movement.” I whispered weakly and pushed myself against him. He gently guided me to the sofa.
“Sit back.” Raul stood up and positioned himself at her back. When he placed his fingers on my temple, I started to resist but he held me down. “Relax” he said. His fingers were working magic on my headache. After a while, the throbbing eased.
I opened her eyes and looked around. I was slightly disoriented. I could not remember going to bed. I saw Raul using the laptop.
“Did I fall asleep?” Raul looked up from his work and nodded.
“You should have woken me up.”
“You looked like you needed the rest.”
I got up from the bed and went to the sofa.
I decided I was better off with the headache. Raul’s presence brought my other senses to life. I shifted slightly.
“Feeling OK now?” Raul asked. I nodded. “I didn’t know you could massage well.”
“There are a lot of things you do not know about me.” Raul whispered into my ear.
“I’m OK now. Thanks.” I sat up straight and gave Raul a weak smile.
“why are you doing this?” I pleaded softly, searching his face.
Raul drew forward. I jerked back. When I did so, I lost her balance. Raul’s arms came round me and I found herself staring into his face, my body close against his.
“I…” Raul groaned and lowered his head.
The touch of his lips against mine became my undoing. As far back as I can remember, I had wondered how it was to be kissed by Raul. When his warm mouth claimed mine, I trembled slightly and, without giving myself time to think, I surrendered to my yearnings. The kiss, which started hesitantly, became more probing.
“Raul…” I whispered.
“I, I’ve waited for this for so long…” Raul tightened his arms round me.
“”Me too,” I thought. I couldn’t understand why I had steeled myself against Raul for so long when being with him felt this good. I would have willingly spent my life with this man…except that he’s about to marry Geena. The unbidden thought came to me.
“No…” I pushed against him. Raul was kissing my throat, his hands now roaming my body.
“No…Raul please…” I pushed stronger, struggling to be free.
Raul let me go, his breath ragged, watching me dazedly.
“Why are you doing this Raul. Is Geena not enough?” I accused.
“Leave Geena out of this.” Raul shook his head.
“Why should I? What kind of man are you? Is Geena not giving you enough? Is that why you’re turning to me?” I could not hide the jealousy in my voice.
“I told you to leave Geena out of this. Raul caught my arm, forcing me to look up to him. “You want me, admit that you want me.”
“And, what then? So that you can gloat? Is this what’s it all about Raul? So you can show me what I missed all those years ago? Thanks, but no thanks.” I frantically sought a way out of the situation.
“I’ve had better kisses.” I hoped I sounded bored enough.
“You, have always been a tease.” Raul’s hand tightened briefly on my arm before he let me go. I watched him walk out the door. When I heard the gate close and Raul’s car go, I sagged down the floor and let the pent up tears flow. ‘Why is love this painful?, I thought and cried hard.
